here we are, and I'm okay
on learning to face trials well
‘If I am still not pregnant a year from now I will not be okay!’
-Me, May 2024, standing in the stairwell of my office
I regret to report that I am still not pregnant. Or at least if I am (please God) I do not yet know it. Nor is there any clear, medical reason why I am not – all seems to be as it should. This is equal parts good and frustrating. Obviously there is a problem, but the pathway to discovering what it is, is not simple. Or cheap.
So we stand in the murky middle, trying to find the right path to embark upon. Going through the same thing cycle after cycle is vaguely maddening. But I am glad to report that my despondent declaration was wrong.
I am indeed okay. Though I’m still waiting and hoping and longing and staring at infuriatingly single pink lines over and over, it is much less painful to me than it was a year ago. And that is, frankly, a miracle.
A year ago I was truly, truly a mess over my rather small pile of negative pregnancy tests. I was desperate for another child, desperate that I would not be left behind my friends, desperate to make my timeline work. I fought to be released from this trial with any tool that came to hand – frantic google searches, trying to talk my doctor into giving me a referral to a specialist early (she did not…) and, of course, prayer.
My instinctive response to pain and trial is to wish for them to be over, to look to the victorious end and pray that end into being. There is a lot of goodness in the kind of faith that looks forward to the day when there will be no more pain and suffering and calls upon God to bring that Kingdom into being in this situation, here and now. That is good theology.
But unless we also have room for trial, pain and suffering in our theology it is out of balance. And I have been out of balance. The early church was no stranger to suffering - true suffering (a category I would surely not place my situation in). When I act as though the difficult and painful parts of life are an outrage, I wonder what Paul would have to say to me. Paul, who wrote…
I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again… I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have laboured and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 2 Corinthians 11:23-27
Clearly Paul was not a proponent of the ‘prosperity gospel,’ which is the rightly maligned teaching that when we become Christians we will always be healthy, wealthy, comfortable and happy. When I consider the affront this is to the early church who spilled their blood for the spread of the gospel; the persecuted church today who is still doing the same; my brothers and sisters labouring under oppression and poverty around the world; and to Jesus Christ himself, I am outraged.
And yet I have found a shadowy cousin of the prosperity gospel lurking in my own heart. I have fought against infertility as though I should somehow be exempted from the aching of this fallen world. ‘I don’t want uncomfortable things to happen to me!’
This is always a difficult line to walk because ultimately pain and suffering are not what God desires for any of us – each of us were made for Eden and, if we are in Christ, are destined for the New Jerusalem where every tear will be wiped from our eyes. (Rev. 21:4) But in the in-between Jesus taught us to expect ‘many trials and sorrows.’ (John 16:33) How inconvenient!
Trials are coming, ready or not and most of them are not of our choosing. But we do get to choose how we respond to them. I am realising it is possible to face pain and suffering well. Perhaps this is obvious, but until recently I have spent very little time thinking of that and have focussed much more upon how to fight my way through trials (in faith!). As I look around our society I wonder if many of us have not learned how to face difficulty with grace and strength. I surely have not yet, but I am learning.
The most tangible example I can think of, of the way pain can be fruitful, is the process of childbirth. The contractions come, ready or not. You can fight against them, resenting what is happening to you, which only increases the pain and lengthens the process. Or you can surrender to the process of labour, accepting the contractions as they come, working with them and remembering that they are accomplishing a magnificent work. It’s not always easy to do the second and at times it is near impossible. But it’s still a worthy goal.
Some time ago I accepted that I was not going to have a baby on my timeline and the frantic wrestle ceased. But recently I have found myself accepting this trial in a new way. Rather than praying for release from this trial I am praying for the grace to live it well. If this the path I am to walk down then I am determined it will not be wasted in my life.
If Paul and James promise us that trials can produce endurance, character, maturity and hope, then God do that in me (Rom. 5:2-5, James 1:2-4). Grow my faith, my endurance, my love. God, through every tear and groan of frustration would you soften my heart and make my soul beautiful. If you can believe it, I have actually prayed that I would not fall pregnant until God has done the work in me that he wants to. Who am I becoming?! The Rachel of May 2024 would not recognise me.
Over the past year I have seen glimpses of the work God is doing in my heart and it’s been wonderfully encouraging. God has been so, so kind to me. I’m coming to see that even this waiting is His kindness to me, in allowing me to be broken and humbled and weak so that the jagged edges of my heart could slowly soften. I am tired of waiting. I am frustrated. And I am also thankful.
When I made my bold declaration, prophesying my own mental demise if I was not pregnant in a year, it was directed at a wise friend. Thank God for that. She reminded me that I could not think that way. If I was not pregnant in a year God would give me the grace for that as it came, not beforehand. The wisdom of her words made an impression on me, even in the midst of my theatrics. I knew she was right, I held onto that hope, and I have not been disappointed.
I don’t know when we will fall pregnant again, and if we the waiting stretches on I might find myself struggling again. But eighteen months along this path I can feel a profound sense of peace and joy swelling within me, existing alongside the pain and frustration, gracing them with divine perspective. As I have opened my aching heart to God, he has filled the broken places with divine comfort and love. I think Catholic writers would call this ‘spiritual consolation.’ I’m so glad to find that it is real and that once again God is wonderfully, beautifully, beyond-my-expectations good.
And so I read and learn and swap to low tox make up (sigh…) and eat less sugar (double sigh…) and pray for guidance and wait and wait and wait.
But I know God is doing a good thing in me. I can be patient.
Something to Read/Pray – Every Moment Holy Vol 1 by Douglas McKelvey
I can’t stop raving about this book to anyone who will listen, so I must share it here too. It’s a book of liturgies, or written prayers, appropriate for all kinds of moments in life – ‘for the ritual of morning coffee,’ ‘for domestic days,’ ‘for the hurried preparation of a meal,’ for those who sleep in tents,’ ‘for the enjoyment of bonfires,’ ‘for the changing of diapers,’ ‘upon seeing a beautiful person,’ and dozens of others. Through these prayers I feel like my life has been re-enchanted with the wonder and glory of God. I have remembered again that every moment is holy, everything I do with my hands can be part of the healing of our world and that the coming kingdom invades and illuminates every part of life. It’s been such an abiding blessing and refreshing to my soul.
If I could buy this book for everyone I know, I would. So if you invite me to your birthday party this year, watch out…
@everymomentholy is also a fantastic Instagram follow.
Something to Listen To – The Winnie the Pooh Audiobook
If you have kids (or maybe even if you don’t!) you simply MUST listen to the Audiobook version of Winnie the Pooh. It is included on Spotify Premium and has been produced wonderfully. A team of eight voice actors make up the cast, including Dame Judi Dench, and the sound effects and score are brilliant. They have done the first 3 Winnie the Pooh books and listening to each has been a delight to Wesley and I.
I am so blessed by all the encouragement and support we have received as we have waited to have our next baby. The sharing of this burden has greatly lightened it and we are thankful to everyone who is walking this path with us.
I pray that today you are strengthened and encouraged to look with fresh eyes upon the way the coming kingdom of God creeps through the cracks in our lives and fills our days, even days of trial, with glory.
Rachel
Thank you for sharing all that Gods doing in the midst of the hard Rachel!! Praying for you guys and thankful that God brings blessing from it all. Thanks for the encouragement to look for it amongst my own trials today! Love you!