Waiting for two pink lines
On learning the other kind of surrender
I really thought I was good at surrendering to God.
I emptied my savings to go to YWAM three different times. Sobbing on the phone I said goodbye to the boy I loved because I knew God had said no. (Don’t worry, the story ended well…) I gave up my dream of being a high school teacher to go into ministry (right call). I have given generously, stepped out in faith to talk to random people at the mall, taken my toddler to a country at war. I thought I was good at surrender.
And in some ways I think I am - as long as surrender looks like obedience and action.
I have always looked to Abraham as my hero in this! God gave him a radical call. “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” (Gen 12:1) And three verses later Abraham did it. His obedience had a ripple effect that blessed the nations and the generations down to today. It was a beautiful and brave act of surrender.
But I’m coming to see that that was just the beginning of surrender for Abraham. Because the next nine chapters describe, amongst other things, his ongoing wrestle to surrender when surrender looked like doing nothing but trust and hope.
You see, God had promised Abraham and Sarah that though they were barren and past childbearing years, they would have a son. And as anyone who has ever struggled to get pregnant will tell you, it doesn’t involve doing nothing at all… but once you’ve done your part there is nothing to do but wait and hope. The vast majority of conception is beyond your control. Abraham and Sarah knew this only too well.
For two decades they waited. They learned to do nothing and trust. Genesis 16 tells the story of the time Abraham and Sarah took matters into their own hands which resulted in massive pain and abuse. God did not want them to ‘make it happen,’ he wanted them to wait for his good things, in his way and his timing. And after 24 years their son was born.
Abraham learned how to surrender through obedience. And then he had to learn to surrender through waiting. I get the impression the second was harder for him. And, I think, for most of us.
There’s something almost intolerable about having to endure discomfort without having any control over it. This was certainly my experience in labour. I gripped wooden combs in my hands through each contraction. My hands were terribly bruised in the days after but something about having something to do, some control over my discomfort, made it so much more bearable for me. When I’m in pain I want to be able to do something to make it better.
You see, I thought I was good at surrender. But I’ve been longing for a second baby for a long time, my womb is empty and I’m kicking and screaming. At the beginning of this year we clearly felt God’s invitation to surrender to him and trust him to give us a baby in the right time. I feel confident assurance deep in my bones that we will have another child, I only have to wait.
But I don’t want to. The months tick by and the age gap stretches and others get their two pink lines and I discover that I have a lot of growing up to do. I discover I’m not really good at surrender at all. I do not like to wait.
Waiting is a major Biblical image for what it means to seek God. The Hebrew word קָוָה qava means to wait, or to look eagerly for and it is found all over the scriptures, particularly in the Psalms.
No one who hopes in (literally ‘waits on’) you will ever be put to shame… Psalm 25:3
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
“And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Psalm 39:7
I think we often think waiting is wasted time. In the modern age we’re fearfully bad at it - scrolling has replaced waiting. But when we wait in hope and trust in God we are not doing nothing. We’re doing one of the most important things of all. We’re growing up. We’re softening. We’re becoming more like Jesus.
Because Jesus was really very good at this. He surrendered when surrender looked like obedience and action. (John 14:31) But I think he found the other kind of surrender harder too. We see Jesus facing this in the garden of Gethsemane and he was greatly distressed. He knew that he was about to face the most horrific thing possible and that his role was to surrender and let it happen to him. And he did not want to.
‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.’ (Matt 26:39)
What beautiful honesty from Jesus. He gets it. He sees us. He knows. But he shows us what surrender looks like.
‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ (Matt 26:39)
I’m trying to learn from my rabbi.
‘ My Father, if it is possible, may you give me a child now. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’
I don’t know exactly why we have had to wait. Perhaps a bigger age gap will suit our family better. Perhaps it’s nothing practical like that. But whatever it is I know that in the waiting my compassion has grown. We all have to wait somewhere in life, and right now it’s my turn to bear this little portion of suffering with trust and grace. I’m not doing an excellent job of that but slowly, slowly I think I’m growing up. Pain is one of the main things God uses to mature us and I so want to grow up.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
My prayer for me and you today is this. When God calls may you surrender in radical trust and obedience. May you see the ways God shows his kindness and faithfulness in these joyful, difficult moments. And in places in your life where surrender looks like mostly doing nothing, may your trust grow. May your compassion grow. May God grace you to wait well. And may you have great joy as you see the beautiful work God has done in your heart.
PSA - I know that common wisdom says that if someone will ‘just relax’ or ‘just stop trying’ or ‘go on a holiday’ they will get pregnant. Most of the time saying this to someone who has been hoping for a baby for a long time is more frustrating than helpful. Prayer is usually the most helpful thing!
Something to Listen To – Money Episodes on the Bible Project
This year the Bible Project are doing a read through of the Sermon on the Mount. They recently did the section of the Sermon on money and possessions and it was SO wonderful. I was literally in tears doing my laundry about the beauty of God’s vision of money and generosity. It was an amazing reframe for me! If you head to their podcast channel you’ll be able to spot the few episodes on money, but really all of them are great!
Something to Read – Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson
I really appreciated the philosophy of parenting and childhood discipline in this book. It’s not the most exciting read and its slightly dated, but it offers such a great, Biblical, life giving framework for how to think about issues of correction, instruction and protection of children.
And if this specific issue is of interest to you - they go to great detail explaining why they believe smacking young children is not mandated or recommended in the Bible, which I found helpful.
I am writing this from a chair at the library during my new weekly ‘writing time’ which is SUCH a treat and hopefully means I can write here and do my research papers and complete my master’s program without going crazy. I’m delighted and hoping it means I can write here more often.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. (2 Cor. 13:14)
Rachel
So beautiful Rach. Praying and believing with you! ❤️
This is something I feel God really helped me to learn when we were trying for Shanoah. Still not great at it but it’s all learning and growing. Will add the book and podcast to my list!! Thank you x