I don’t think I would have been happier if I had had a baby this year

and other things I thought I'd never say...

This has been a difficult year for me.

Difficult in ways I have shared and in ways I can’t. In big things, small things, silly things, unexpected things.

In the mix this year there was six weeks of post-weaning depression (which I didn’t even know existed), thinking I might be losing my mind (which thankfully ended up just being iron deficiency) and the violence that three international trips in five months, with a toddler, does to one’s body and soul.

(I’m insanely grateful that we got to travel so much this year – the Israel trip in particular was one of the most precious times in my life. But we did not plan the trips so close, they just arranged themselves that way on short notice and I would NOT RECOMMEND such a thing if you can help it…)

There have been a lot of really good things in our lives this year too. Really really good things. But behind the scenes, between the highs, the general tenor of my year has been one of anxiety, sadness and exhaustion.

This is partly because my dearest hope and prayer this year has gone unanswered. Or perhaps I should say answered with a no. I spent months wrestling with God over why we were not getting pregnant and spending the days in the lead up to testing day a complete mess, every month. (I wrote about it both while I was struggling and after the struggle passed.) And I stared (very closely, under direct light, IYKYK) at another stupid single pink line on Christmas Eve.

But I end this year surprisingly, wonderfully, deeply happy. I know the Christian word to use here is joyful, and yes, that too. But I’m afraid if I only use the word joyful you will associate that with a pious, practiced attitude, altogether different from pleasure, satisfaction and delight. But in actual fact I am, frankly, very happy and glad to be so.

This year, though hard, has been very good for me and I’m grateful for it. People say things like that all the time and I usually find it hard to believe them so I’m going to try to explain why this has been true for me in hopes that it might be an encouragement. And that you might actually believe that I mean it…

It’s all just whipped cream

When I was in YWAM I was wrestling with the idea of the ‘enoughness’ of God and our desire for good things in life. My school leader shared the most helpful analogy with me and I have used it often since. He said that God is like a cup of beautiful, rich, hot chocolate that is wonderful and satisfying all on its own. And sometimes in life we get whipped cream on top of our hot chocolate. We get good things in life. And its wonderful, we should receive it with gratitude. But we must always remember – its only whipped cream. It’s not the main thing.

We won’t always have as much whipped cream as we would choose. But if we have God we will always have the hot chocolate. That’s the main thing. That’s enough. Good things come and go. God remains. When we have God, even if we have nothing else, we have more than enough.

Photo by Giancarlo Duarte on Unsplash

I have taught this many times and known it to be true in my head. I’m still not sure I truly believed it.

But this year, in some small glorious way, I have known it to be true in my heart. There is less whipped cream on my hot chocolate than I have hoped and prayed and longed for. And I have discovered that I still have more than enough. I do not need another child to be satisfied. I am deeply happy in God and the life he has given me. As the Psalmist would say, God is my portion forever.

I must say that I’m extremely aware that there is still a lot of whipped cream on my hot chocolate. A year of secondary infertility challenges, though it’s been painful, is a very gentle trial. Whenever I’m in Vanuatu I see vividly the enough-ness of God in the faces of people who have so little things and so much joy. I’m sure my faith is not as strong as theirs.

But in my own little, faltering, wonderful way I have seen and believed that God is as good as He says. Not good in the way broccoli is good, technically good for you but not experientially pleasant (why do we so often think of God this way?). But good like chocolate - real, hearty, lovely, soul fortifying.

I’m truly, deeply satisfied in God. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think I would have ended this year happier if I had had a baby. Having a baby is one of the very best things in life, but I see now that it’s whipped cream. Wonderful, but not the main thing. And not the thing God chose to give me this year.

I have been meditating on Psalm 16 over the past few days. I think it’s a beautiful mediation both on the hot-chocolate-enoughness of God and gratitude over the whipped cream.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
…Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.

(Oh what other gods I have run after… perfection, achievement, productivity, the ‘perfect family’ and oh what suffering it causes.)

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices…

(I just love the concept of rejoicing in the boundary lines of the life God has given us.)

…You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

How often do we associate God with duty and rightness rather than pleasure and enjoyment? We miss out on so much of God.

The freedom of not getting what you want

I still dearly hope that we will have more children. And, to be honest, I think we will. I feel an assurance from God that I will be pregnant again and this sense has been confirmed by others. But I know now that I will be okay if Wesley is our only child. God has already given me more than enough and I’m deeply grateful.

I’m a planner. I like to be in control. I have a clear vision of what my life should be like. And in an admittedly small way that has been messed up. My perfect two year age gap, three kids before I’m 30 will not happen now. I’ll now be over the moon if the age gap is just three and a half years. I pray its less than four.

In the beginning I was constantly negotiating, ‘my pregnancy might line up with hers’, ‘the age gap will be like theirs’, ‘at least maybe our pregnancies will overlap a bit.’ But now that’s all gone and somehow its wonderfully freeing. My carefully made plans will not happen, I no longer have to fight for them.

Photo by Intricate Explorer on Unsplash

What has welled up in their place is a deep acceptance of and gratitude for the life I have. I see more clearly how very little control I have over my life and how very much everything I have is a gift. There’s something so adventurous and freeing about being on God’s timeline, not my own. This has all been wonderfully good for my little, up tight soul.

Humbling too. It’s been maddening to watch people get pregnant in one month when ‘barely trying’ while I’m taking 8 different supplements, swapping to low tox (aka barely works) deodorant (and moisturiser, and laundry soap and…), doing ALL THE THINGS.

But every time a sense of injustice rises up in my heart I remember that I have been that girl, that other things have come easily to me – test taking, home ownership, my impeccable sense of style (joking…). It’s been so extremely good for me to sit and wait and watch others have what I have longed for. Its knocked my prideful heart down a peg. It needed that. There’s much more compassion, grace and truth down here.

The word God gave me at the start of 2024 was ‘rejoice in trials.’ (James 1:2-4) I asked for a different one. But, alas, I did not get a different one. It was so gracious of God to prepare me for the year that has been. I also sensed God say that it would be a year of deep joy, and out the other side of it, it surely has.

The word on my heart for 2025 is joy. And I admit, I like this one much better. So this year I’m still longing for a baby, but I know now I don’t need it. Because I’ve got the best cup of hot chocolate, and I’m satisfied.

May you have a happy new year dear friends! May you know the enoughness of God this year, and get lots of whipped cream thrown into the mix too.